It's that time of the year again! The shitty trailers are out, the lines are long, actors who can't act are stretching their wallets for a pay day, and the press is going gaga. Yup its the Metro Manila Film Festival (MMFF). For decades we have had to endure this event with all of its crappiness, it is inevitable, you can't avoid it, it is like trying to dodge rain drops during a typhoon, move all you want but in the end you're fucked. Here are 9 reasons why the MMFF must die.
9.) Forced Monopoly
Nothing beats competition than banning all of the outside competition so that you can spoon feed the public with your shit. Foreign films dives up competition, and this may improve the quality of local films for consumers, but fuck that! Ban all foreign films and open wide for the next Ryzza Mae Dizon shitfest.
8.) Unnecessary Panic Fueled Movie Binge
How many times have you heard this conversation?:
Dad: We have to watch "insert name of great foreign movie", as well as "insert name of great foreign movie", and "insert name of great foreign movie", tonight!
Son: But Dad thats too much! whats the rush?
Dad: Tangina MMFF na bukas eh!! Ito pera pumila ka na jan! Ako dito ako pipila!
I tell you every December I hear variations of this conversation. Does it have to be like this? Does it have to feel like it's the "Fall of Saigon" when we are trying to escape shitty local films?
7.) Fuels the Status Quo of the Dull Movie Industry
Hey if it is not broken why fix it right? past MMFF earnings rose to at least 767 million pesos. Why try to invest more money on better actors, special effects, and motherfucking script when anything they release turns into gold?
6.) Reinforces "Masa Culture"
Movies have a lot of influence in society, if you are one of the film makers and you make a film as influencing as this, then God speed. However if your films promote social stereotypes and anti intellectualism, your creativity is far past fucked.
5.) Destroys Holiday Spirit
Nothing destroys the holiday spirit more than not being able to watch the movie of your choice, but hey! at least we get to see My Big Bossings!
4.) Shitty Actors
nuff said
3.) Shitty Movies
nuff said
2.) A National Blunder
MMFF is suppose to show the world, the pinnacle of Filipino films, the exemplary, the cream of the crop. Now if titular puns, slap stick horror anal feasts, and atrocious family films staring spoiled brats are the creme de la creme of Philippine Cinema, ohhh booyyyy,
Lets put it this way, imagine there is an international food festival where all of the countries present their finest cuisine, however instead of serving Lechon and Kare-Kare, the Philippines chose to present the finest food items from Jollibee and Angel's Burger.
Well fuck it, that might even be better.
1.) Foreign Movies Are Just Better
Now before you "pinoy pride" asswipes rape the comments section hear me the fuck out first. LOCAL MOVIES SUCK THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AND WILL ALWAYS BE UNLESS THINGS CHANGE. We being consumers, must be open to all products in the market, if Carlos P. Garcia were alive today i'm sure he would regret making the "Filipino First Policy". Now as a consumer what would you rather watch, this, or this?, this or this?
To the film makers, remember whatever you release as long as it stars famous actors, people will ride on it more than men riding Sasha Grey. So why not make a decent fucking script and educate those dimwits?
Unless the Philippine film industry steps up and makes decently acceptable films that target more than the dumbest Filipino (who probably has a subscription of Kris Aquino magazine, and chokes on glutathione pills), the industry will not progress in the creative aspect and in the year 2050 we will have:
"Ang Tanging Ina N'yong Lahat na Nagshashake Rattle and Roll sa Bahay ni Lola 8"
Tips to MMFF Movie Goers
1.) Save your Money: You are better off making a paper mache lantern with 100 peso bills than see those films. I like many others would not pay 200 pesos for a 2 hour commercial.
2.) Find Alternative Ways To Spend Time With Family: If you're a parent taking your kids to see one of those movies you better question your parenting skills.
3.) Question Your Intelligence: Seriously if you reached this part of the article and you're fuming with anger you need to chill the fuck down and ponder about you're intellectual capacity, unless you really have a fetish for over the top product placements and shitty acting. I'm sure there is a good chance that you are one of them.
